You Cant Make this stuff up

Surviving Catholic grade school was no small feat—strict nuns, rulers on knuckles, endless confessions, and altar boy mishaps gave us stories for a lifetime. With over 150 years of combined Catholic education in my family, we’ve collected enough funny memories, discipline lessons, and unforgettable characters to fill a pew—and maybe a confessional booth.

Don’t chew the Host

When I had my first communion the nuns made it very clear “DO NOT CHEW THE HOST”  well of course I chewed the host.  I had a dentist’s appointment the following week and I was petrified that the dentist was going to have to chisel the residue off my teeth. 

Confession – Bless me Father for I have sinned. 

We had confession once a month. I quickly canned my list that I used for the whole 8 yrs. Said bad words 20 times, disobeyed my parents 10 times, hit my brother twice and lied 3 times. My sentences were usually 3 Hail Mary’s, 3 Our Fathers and 3 Glory Be’s 

God knows I wouldn’t mention any impure thoughts.  Figured he would smash right through the screen, grab me by the neck and sentence me to multiple rosaries.  Didn’t take long for kids to figure out what priest to go to. The Monsignor was the worst with strong reprimands and tough sentences.  It was easy to get a knell down in his box while the other 2 had long lines around the stations of the cross.  

The nuns really tried to enforce our spiritual well being and avoid any sins especially the mortals.  The venial could be wiped out with a communion but mortals definitely needed another trip to the confessional. 

Here are some mandates by the nuns: 

• If a girl sits on a boy’s lap there needs to be a separation by a phone book.  They were not talking about a Lakeville AR book with a population of 200. Had to be one like a Chicago yellow page. 
• No ravioli – looks like pillows. 
• No shiny black Patton leather shoes. Could reflect panties. 

Talking in the classroom

Guess I was cut out for sales as I never stopped talking in class. The nuns tried everything to get me to shut up. Ruler on knuckles, eraser in mouth (after coating with chalk), soap in mouth for 5 minutes. Sister Pascal lost track of time so penanced lasted 20 minutes as I was blowing Palmolive bubbles.  Last shot was throwing a cup of BB’s down the hall for me to pick up. When she was done, she threw them again.

Well, I got back at her.  I got braces with a rubber band to put pressure to pull back the protruding front teeth.  If I opened my mouth wide to the left the rubber band would project to the target.  The white chest pie plate. After three it drove her nuts. 

Alter Boy Adventures 

Of course I was also an altar boy. I started in ancient times when mass was in Latin. We were required to learn all responses in Latin. Did not happen. We either faked it or talked in tongues. I never forgot “Et cum spiri tu tu o.  That was supposed to be God’s phone number.

Part of our role was to bring the 2 cruets of water and wine to the altar to pour into the chalice. It was made very clear very fast that your excellency wanted every drop of wine with only 1/2 drop of water. Sometimes a priest on Sunday had to celebrate 3 masses in a row. Our role included helping him off the stage after tossing down 3 cruets. 

We also served funerals. One boy on our team had a bad day at a burial site. He was leading the procession to the grave carrying a large brass crucifix when he tripped and fell into the grave. The angry priest looked down whispering firmly “Get out of the grave!! 

He quickly scrambled to the top but left the crucifix 6 feet deep. “Get your ass back in the grave and get the crucifix.”  The altar boy fiasco lifted the spirits of some of the mourners as there was a cross section of snickers.

Limbo 

Limbo was also very intriguing. This is where you end up if you are never baptized. You’re not in the hotspot south or getting rehabilitated in Purgatory or mingling with the goody 2 shoes in Heaven. They are the ones that always did their homework and seated in the 2 front rows browning the teachers by answering all the questions after dropping their apples on her desk. 

Limbo is where it’s at! Resort region with always sunny skies, beautiful ocean views and a tiki bar serving unlimited Margaritas at no charge featuring Chubby Checker.  Fellow Limbos were thrilled he was not baptized as he performed daily his top hit “Limbo Rock” with folks trying to get under the stick. Many earth candidates hope Jimmy Buffett missed the early ritual.

Catholicism – The only Stairway to Heaven

It was made real clear by the nuns, priests and The famous Baltimore Catechism that the Catholic Stairway to Heaven Catholic interstate was the only way to get to the Pearly Gates.  We felt bad  for the Altman’s (Jewish neighbors)  and dropped off a plate of Brownies