You Cant Make this stuff up

Over the years, Celebrations of Life have become the norm—and for good reason. Instead of gloomily hovering around a casket, reading flower labels like they’re scorecards, and hearing “Sorry for your loss” a hundred times, we started doing things differently.

Honestly, I never liked that phrase. Loss? That’s what the bank says when they review your business profit and loss statements and deny your loan. Mom or Dad isn’t a loss—they’re a person.

The Oddities of Funerals

The funeral industry has its own language and rituals that can feel absurd if you stop to think about it:

The Showing: “We’re going to John’s showing” sounds like a movie premiere. The body isn’t a first-run film.

Guest Books: Has anyone ever later said, “Let’s dig out Aunt Dorothy’s wake book in the attic and review who was there and who should have been there. 

The Wake: Another misnomer—nobody in a casket is waking up.

Obituaries: Filled with saintly resumes—“Devoted father, pillar of the community, adored his Cocker Spaniel.” And that line about being “survived by” everyone? If you’re dead, you ain’t surviving anything.

Embalming 

Should this be softened a bit? Maybe just Prepping the body for the “showing”?  Aunt Mildred got embalmed this afternoon. Sounds like she passed out at a college keg party. 

Corpse 

That doesn’t sound like much of a bucket list goal.  Yea George had a 30 year successful career in Customer Service at Geico and now he’s a corpse. 

Casket/ Coffin 

I thought they were the same. A casket is 4 sided box with handles, hinges, fancy tanned , polished metal,  fancy satin sheets, and a lifetime warranty.  A coffin is usually wood, no hinges so got to pop the top for the showing, the handles are for decor only. That could be a bit of a challenge for pall bearers. Sold “as is”.

No Shoes

Bodies, corpses, deceased are buried with no shoes.  Apparently after death feet swell and they don’t fit.  Shouldn’t be an issue.  Doubt anyone will be hoofing to the 7/11 for a slurpy.

Hearse

Do we really need a $150,000 Cadillac Beast with a police escort for a three-mile drive to the cemetery?  

Who gets what Stuff

Before the first shovel hits dirt, the drama begins. Who’s gonna get what?  In our case,  mom, the grandma’s and aunts all had beautiful, expensive jewelry.  The sisters sucked those up like a used Hoover.   

When  Grandpa died we boys expected a windfall.  Maybe 500 shares of stock. My younger brother had a downpayment on a Silverado  Diesel Duramax. Told the finance manager, after he gets his inheritance he was going to wire the funds and pick it up. 

Well he got Grandpa’s 25th anniversary watch (with a cracked screen) celebrating 25 years with the family business. Also got a pair of cuff links with grandpas initials. Only money he got after the will was his deposit. 

Celebrating Life, Our Way

We learned early that life is too short to be sad all the time.

When my sister had only a month to live from an incurable lung disease, we threw her a going-away party. Cocktails, dinner, singing, stories, laughter—and no one said “Sorry for your loss.” My brother gave her an urn as a parting gift, and even the priest called it the most incredible sendoff he’d ever witnessed.

When Dad died, we went off-script again. The hearse made a detour to our family home, and we turned his casket into a bar for champagne, funny stories, songs, and a final rendition of Happy Trails. Funeral staff looked on in shock—but that’s exactly what Dad would have wanted.

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Mom’s Wicker Casket

Mom was a character, and nothing could honor her like something truly unique. We went casket shopping, but nothing felt right. The cheap ones were tin cans. The Cadillac models? Rustproof and waterproof—but still wrong.

Then we remembered her love for white wicker furniture. For 50 years, our porch had been full of it. Could we find a wicker casket? My youngest brother found one online, overnight from San Francisco—but it arrived in natural color. Mom would have turned over in her grave. 

Solution? My sister called auto body shops, claiming she had a “couch” to paint. Measurements were odd, but the painter went along with it. Soon, the shop had photos of Corvettes, Mustangs, and—a pristine white wicker casket.

The grandkids even created a jingle:

A tisket, a tasket, Grandma’s buried in a wicker casket.

It was perfect. Funny, heartfelt, and uniquely Mom.

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The Takeaway

Funerals don’t have to be gloomy, awkward productions. They can be celebrations of life, laughter, stories, and even a little chaos. Our family learned this the hard way—but the memories? Unforgettable.

Sometimes, the best sendoff isn’t about tradition. It’s about honoring the person—quirks, humor, and all. And yes, it might include a white wicker casket, champagne, and a song.