At my latest six-month Medicare checkup, I passed the memory test with flying colors.
“Dog… Table… Water.” Three for three.
Unfortunately, my cholesterol test wasn’t nearly as impressive. My doctor looked over his glasses and said, “John, you’ve got to get that cholesterol down. A low-carb diet and exercise are your best friends. Are you exercising?”
“Absolutely.”
“Great. How often? “
“Every day“
“How Far?”
(Didn’t want to compromise my integrity) “to the refrigerator”
He didn’t even smile.
“Exercise doesn’t have to be boring,” he said. “Find something you enjoy. Dancing is one of the best forms of exercise.”
Now that sounded promising.
Carol and I both love music. Back in the late ’70s I considered myself a certified Disco Duck. We figured dancing would lower my cholesterol and give us something fun to do together.
A few days later we spotted an ad on a paper placemat at a local diner.
FREE INTRODUCTORY DANCE CLASS
Perfect.
We walked in expecting couples gliding across the floor to music from the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s. That would be great for us to dance the night away.
But..
Instead, we found about 35 women… and maybe 15 men.
The instructor clapped her hands.
“Welcome everyone! Tonight we’re going to learn… the Box Step!”
After 50+ years in corporate America, small business, real estate, consulting and business brokerage, I’ve learned one thing:
Companies can survive almost anything—including their own management.
I’ve seen backstabbing politics, corporate theater, ridiculous “best practices” and management decisions that make you wonder how anybody stays in business.
So I’m starting a new CrazyFamily series:
Business Insanity — You Can’t Make This Stuff Up.
And where better to begin than one of corporate America’s greatest inventions:
The Meeting
Meetings may be the most expensive, least productive activity in business.
They never appear on the profit-and-loss statement, but think about it: put 15 well-paid people in a conference room for two hours and you’ve just spent a small fortune accomplishing something that probably could have been handled in a three-paragraph email.
Dave Barry once joked that if you had to identify the reason humanity will never achieve its full potential in one word, that word would be:
Meetings.
There Is No Random Seating
Watch people enter a conference room.
The boss takes the head of the table.
The loyal lieutenants take the seats closest to the boss, carefully positioned according to seniority and established brownie points.
These are sacred seats.
It’s easier to get Packers season tickets than to take a brown-noser’s chair at a staff meeting.
At the far end sit The Rebels.
They’re the ones asking:
“Why are we doing this?”
“This isn’t going to work.”
“Why don’t we hire more people?”
And somewhere in the middle are the new employees who haven’t yet figured out that they accidentally sat in someone’s chair.
They’ll only make that mistake once.
Let the Meeting Begin
Nobody arrives on time.
Therefore, the meeting doesn’t start on time.
There may or may not be an agenda.
Finally, the leader arrives 12 minutes late.
“Sorry. Important call.”
Of course.
Then comes the introduction of the new employee.
“Let’s go around the room. Everyone introduce yourself, tell us a little about your background and what you do here.”
And we’re off.
Meet Ralph
“Hi, I’m Ralph. I’ve been married to Jennifer for seven years. We have two kids, Ralphy, six, and Rachel, three. I’ve been with Acme for five years in customer service.
This is a great place to work.”
Translation:
I hate my job. My boss drives me nuts. I’ve been turned down for promotion four times. Rachel was an uh-oh. Money’s tight. My marriage is strained. I’ve used up my free employee counseling and I’m now watching therapy videos on YouTube.
“Thanks, Ralph.”
Next.
And Now, an Important Corporate Update
Sales are down.
Profits are down.
Therefore, everyone needs to tighten their belts.
Fortunately, management has developed a comprehensive recovery plan.
The thermostat can no longer go below 75° in the summer or above 65° in the winter.
If you’re uncomfortable, adjust your wardrobe.
But remember the dress code.
The Christmas party has also been streamlined.
Spouses can still attend—for $40 in advance or $48 at the door.
And we’ve made some exciting menu improvements:
Goodbye beef tenderloin and lobster.
Hello flank steak and tuna casserole.
Unfortunately, there will be no Christmas bonuses this year.
But don’t worry.
Every employee will receive an eight-pound margarine-ball turkey from Walmart.
Management Is Sacrificing Too
Employees may no longer park in the first two rows.
Those spaces are now reserved for management.
So while walking six blocks from the employee parking lot, please take a moment to admire the beautiful new stainless-steel enclosure protecting the CEO’s brand-new Mercedes convertible.
It arrives today.
“Any questions?”
Silence.
Nobody has questions.
Everybody just wants to go back to work.
But We’re Not Done Yet
The boss looks toward HR.
“I’ll now turn the meeting over to Human Resources for our mandatory quarterly Sexual Harassment PowerPoint presentation.”
Suddenly…
The projector doesn’t work.
A desperate call goes out for Hector, the AV guy.
But Hector is at the dentist for the rest of the afternoon.
The presentation has to be postponed.
For the first time all day, morale improves dramatically.
There is a God.
That evening, the guys take Hector out for a beer.
The Lesson
After more than 50 years in business, I’ve attended thousands of meetings.
I’ve forgotten most of what was discussed.
But I have learned one valuable management principle:
Sometimes the most productive person in the company is the guy who didn’t fix the projector.
Every year, we get those cheery, glitter-dusted Christmas letters from friends whose kids all got into Ivy League schools, started tech companies from the garage, and won gold at the Junior Olympics. Meanwhile, over here…
We thought we’d balance things out.
📬 The 2024 Highlights from the House of Jinny and Bill:
We love Holiday Traditions but this year’s tree fell over three times. We just left it leaning.
The Family Minivan: Still running, even after catching fire briefly in July.
👣 Nancy
Our eldest got an ingrown toenail that turned into sepsis. Four ER trips later, she’s now banned from pedicures and we’re banned from that urgent care.
👓 Bill Jr.
Flunked his GED for the third time. Mystery solved: He couldn’t read the test. His Walmart glasses had been waiting for pickup since February.
📚 Mike
Got caught with a Playboy in his backpack. Earned a 5-day suspension. Two local priests kindly offered to “dispose” of the evidence. Suspiciously enthusiastic about it.
🎖 Sally
Made the world finals in baton twirling! Unfortunately, her final twirl knocked her out cold. Severe concussion. Now twirls from a seated position.
💍 Thomas/Thomasina
Our youngest transitioned this year — now known as Thomasina and married Melanie in June! We’re thrilled. Only odd part? 2024 DNA testing revealed… Thomasina is not biologically ours. So technically, we’re very accepting neighbors.
🐾 Bobo the Dog
For the 12th year in a row, got violently ill over the holidays. Possibly from eating 24 marshmallow Santas. No chocolate this year — just melted plastic.
And no, no one got into Harvard.
🎁 In Closing…
We may not have stock portfolios, gold medals, or viral cello prodigies, but we’ve got plenty of laughs (and ER co-pays). From our delightfully dysfunctional family to yours — have a warm, safe, and hopefully uneventful holiday.
We were embarrassed to drive to high school in our car.
Many had jacked up Nova’s, GTO’s, V8’s, Hurst Shifters, super sound systems.
We roll in driving a light blue 1963 Chevy Biscayne station wagon with absolutely no options. No power steering, brakes, air.
Not even a AM radio.
Performance? 0-60 in 20 minutes.
We offered anyone $50 if they could find an option.
The Blue Powder Puff
This was a hand me down from our family business. The bean counter bought the car as cheap as possible right before union negotiations as a symbol that times are tough and would be a challenge agreeing to the requested 10 cent raise.
We had no chance of street respect.
One time a guy in a high performance Camaro asked if we were delivering groceries.
Another elderly couple asked if we could give them a ride to their assisted living home.
Imagine a date asking to turn up the A/C on a hot day and all you could do was roll down the window.
We couldn’t go 4 years like this.
The prom is a month away and we can’t pick up our dates in this blue powder puff. We had to do something quick.
Where could we find a vehicle with character, excellent condition, loaded and cheap?
A Hearse??
We went to a funeral home and asked where they put their hearses to “rest”.
Got a 1957 Cadillac Hearse, 35,000 miles, loaded for $400.
We stole a no parking funeral sign and parked right front of the school.
It had to have a name “His and Hearse”.
We made the prom deadline and 4 couples made the procession.
Other adventures with “His and Hearse”
Got a black, cheap, corrugated casket. Put a girl in it, backed up to Burger King, took casket to the counter and asked for a burger and glass of water for our friend.
Got 5 cars and had a funeral procession. When we saw a hitchhiker, the procession pulled over with the guy to get into the hearse. “I thought this was a funeral” …”It is. Yours” He decided to run.
As more kids got their licenses, we needed more vehicles.
We added a grey hearse, “Just Buried” and the girls convinced dad to buy them a 1958 Red Cadillac ambulance. “ Bloody Mary” to drive to St Mary’s Academy.
They got stopped for speeding. Cop found a keg of Budweiser with red food coloring. Labeled “Bloodweiser”
Years later, people still talk about these rides. Some went to the prom, others were in caskets at fast food restaurants and 10 were caught drunk on Bloodweiser.
