Date an Undesirable, See the World

Dating in a family of 11 was an adventure in itself.

With six girls and five boys, dating sometimes became a family partnership. The girls attended an all-girls Catholic academy and Catholic college. The boys went to Notre Dame. Eventually, one brother married one of our sisters’ roommates, and three of the girls married Notre Dame guys.

Apparently, we didn’t believe in looking too far from home.

The $1 Chaperone

One of the girls I met and dated was from Cuba, and she was beautiful. We hit it off and dated for three years.

But with nice comes a price.

Her parents had two mandates.

First, she could date only good Catholic boys.

I passed that test.

Second, there had to be a chaperone on every date.

That was a little more challenging.

Fortunately, I had ten siblings.

I offered one of them $1 to ride along, sit in the back seat while I picked up my date, and make sure her parents saw that their daughter was properly chaperoned.

It worked beautifully.

For a while.

Soon $1 wasn’t enough. The going rate climbed to $1.25, then $1.50, then $2.

By the six-month mark, even $2 couldn’t get me a chaperone.

I was crushed.

Then Christmas came—and so did a miracle.

My family gave me a folding dummy dressed in a Notre Dame sweatshirt and stocking cap.

Problem solved.

Before picking up my date, I’d pull the dummy out of the trunk, unfold him, put him in the back seat and fasten his seat belt.

There he sat, faithfully chaperoning us.

It worked like a charm.

For three years.

The Girl Who Was Never Going Anywhere

Mom was concerned about my sister Jenna.

She had no interest in dating or proms. While the rest of us were going out, Jenna was perfectly happy at home in her jeans and saddle shoes, sitting at the dining room table.

Mom worried:

“She’s never going to meet anyone, get married, go anyplace or enjoy life.”

Then we boys brought a few guys home from college to party after a football game.

One was a quiet accounting major with dark-rimmed glasses and a pocket protector containing two pencils and a pen.

He went gaga over Jenna.

They got married.

He quickly moved up the corporate ladder, eventually becoming a senior vice president with a global insurance firm.

And while the rest of us live modestly and plan a trip to an amusement park in Ohio…

Jenna is in Monaco on a Mediterranean cruise.

The Mom Smell Test

Whether we liked it or not, anyone we dated eventually had to pass Mom’s smell test.

If Mom decided a boyfriend or girlfriend was an “undesirable,” she could be remarkably cunning and creative in trying to uproot the relationship.

My sister Susan dated Lawrence for four years.

Lawrence did not fit Mom’s preferred profile.

Mom tried coercion.

Grounding.

Strict curfews.

The silent treatment.

Nothing worked.

So Mom changed tactics.

“Susan, we think it would be a great experience for you to spend six months abroad in a student exchange program.”

Susan jumped at the opportunity.

Off to England she went.

Six months later she came home.

And went right back to Lawrence.

Mom wasn’t finished.

“Susan, here’s another wonderful opportunity to learn and travel in Germany.”

Off to Germany she went.

She came home.

Back to Lawrence.

By now, the rest of us had figured out Mom’s international dating strategy.

One of us finally asked:

“Susan, are you really going to break up with Lawrence?”

Susan had her answer:

“Yes. As soon as I get back from Norway next year.”

And that became one of the great lessons of growing up in our family:

Date an undesirable. See the world!

You can’t make this stuff up.