Business Insanity: Meetings

After 50+ years in corporate America, small business, real estate, consulting and business brokerage, I’ve learned one thing:

Companies can survive almost anything—including their own management.

I’ve seen backstabbing politics, corporate theater, ridiculous “best practices” and management decisions that make you wonder how anybody stays in business.

So I’m starting a new CrazyFamily series:

Business Insanity — You Can’t Make This Stuff Up.

And where better to begin than one of corporate America’s greatest inventions:

The Meeting

Meetings may be the most expensive, least productive activity in business.

They never appear on the profit-and-loss statement, but think about it: put 15 well-paid people in a conference room for two hours and you’ve just spent a small fortune accomplishing something that probably could have been handled in a three-paragraph email.

Dave Barry once joked that if you had to identify the reason humanity will never achieve its full potential in one word, that word would be:

Meetings.

There Is No Random Seating

Watch people enter a conference room.

The boss takes the head of the table.

The loyal lieutenants take the seats closest to the boss, carefully positioned according to seniority and established brownie points.

These are sacred seats.

It’s easier to get Packers season tickets than to take a brown-noser’s chair at a staff meeting.

At the far end sit The Rebels.

They’re the ones asking:

“Why are we doing this?”

“This isn’t going to work.”

“Why don’t we hire more people?”

And somewhere in the middle are the new employees who haven’t yet figured out that they accidentally sat in someone’s chair.

They’ll only make that mistake once.

Let the Meeting Begin

Nobody arrives on time.

Therefore, the meeting doesn’t start on time.

There may or may not be an agenda.

Finally, the leader arrives 12 minutes late.

“Sorry. Important call.”

Of course.

Then comes the introduction of the new employee.

“Let’s go around the room. Everyone introduce yourself, tell us a little about your background and what you do here.”

And we’re off.

Meet Ralph

“Hi, I’m Ralph. I’ve been married to Jennifer for seven years. We have two kids, Ralphy, six, and Rachel, three. I’ve been with Acme for five years in customer service.

This is a great place to work.”

Translation:

I hate my job. My boss drives me nuts. I’ve been turned down for promotion four times. Rachel was an uh-oh. Money’s tight. My marriage is strained. I’ve used up my free employee counseling and I’m now watching therapy videos on YouTube.

“Thanks, Ralph.”

Next.

And Now, an Important Corporate Update

Sales are down.

Profits are down.

Therefore, everyone needs to tighten their belts.

Fortunately, management has developed a comprehensive recovery plan.

The thermostat can no longer go below 75° in the summer or above 65° in the winter.

If you’re uncomfortable, adjust your wardrobe.

But remember the dress code.

The Christmas party has also been streamlined.

Spouses can still attend—for $40 in advance or $48 at the door.

And we’ve made some exciting menu improvements:

Goodbye beef tenderloin and lobster.

Hello flank steak and tuna casserole.

Unfortunately, there will be no Christmas bonuses this year.

But don’t worry.

Every employee will receive an eight-pound margarine-ball turkey from Walmart.

Management Is Sacrificing Too

Employees may no longer park in the first two rows.

Those spaces are now reserved for management.

So while walking six blocks from the employee parking lot, please take a moment to admire the beautiful new stainless-steel enclosure protecting the CEO’s brand-new Mercedes convertible.

It arrives today.

“Any questions?”

Silence.

Nobody has questions.

Everybody just wants to go back to work.

But We’re Not Done Yet

The boss looks toward HR.

“I’ll now turn the meeting over to Human Resources for our mandatory quarterly Sexual Harassment PowerPoint presentation.”

Suddenly…

The projector doesn’t work.

A desperate call goes out for Hector, the AV guy.

But Hector is at the dentist for the rest of the afternoon.